


Bear Gyrlls: The Girl Version of Bear Grylls

by Jillgamesh



Category: Bear Grylls, Man vs Wild - Fandom
Genre: Comedy, Genderswap, Surreal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-06-08 00:41:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6831916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jillgamesh/pseuds/Jillgamesh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bear Gyrlls: the girl version of Bear Grylls faces her deadliest challenge yet; dressing up for a fancy party!!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Bear Gyrlls was in a tough spot. She was the girl version of Bear Grylls, but she was also staring down a hungry lion about to pounce. Also she had to go to a fancy party tonight and had no idea what to wear. The lion would have to wait.

She needed a shower. It had been quite a while, as she had spent the last fifteen years in the Swiss alps, foraging for chocolate and living in a cave, just to prove she could. As the caked on filth spiraled down the shower drain, the mud and chocolate swirled together until there was no distinguishing the two; it was a perfect metaphor for Bear Gyrlls: the girl version of Bear Grylls.

Bear emerged from the shower feeling clean, but also feeling dirty, except metaphorically. She had agreed to go to this fancy party right before she left for the alps, a placating response to the supermodel veterinarian she had definitely slept with a lot, but she never intended to actually attend. When she ambushed Gyrlls right off the plane in attempt to get a commitment (the only thing scarier than the dreaded alp yeti), Bear almost survival-knifed her on the spot from pure instinct. Thankfully, the supermodel veterinarian never broke eye contact with her and she was forced to submit, rolling onto her belly in the crowded airport.

Bear cursed her finely honed animal instincts as she toweled off and glanced at her closet with a dread that even the hungry lion, who had situated herself on Gyrll's bed, could feel. “If only the supermodel veterinarian were here to help her pick out an outfit and to definitely sleep with Bear Gyrlls a lot,” Bear Gyrlls thought, but alas she was busy doing medical science about expensive pelicans. Just like her time in the mojave desert, eating lizards and living inside of a camel, Bear would have to go this one alone.


	2. Chapter 2

Bear walked into her closet, which was an entire Cabela's outlet store. She strolled past rack after rack of puffy thermal vests and balaclavas, all of them sturdy looking (but also cozy looking), and all of them owned by Bear Gyrlls.

“Good afternoon Ms. Gyrlls,” said the Cabela's employee permanently stationed in Bear Gyrlls' closet.

“Please, call me Bear Gyrlls: the girl version of Bear Grylls,” said Bear Gyrlls: the girl version of Bear Grylls.

“Yes, of course. My apologies,” said the Cabela's employee with all the grace and poise of an elderly British butler. “Will you be donning your usual cargo shorts with tank top combo today?”

“No, Cabela's employee,” said Bear. “Today is different...”

“No no!” exclaimed Bear as the Cabela's employee began reaching for a rack of puffy vests. “Today is very different...”


	3. Chapter 3

Realization suddenly dawned on the Cabela's employee and she turned to face Bear with a look of somber pride.

"Oh Bear Gyrlls: the girl version of Bear Grylls! Your parents, god rest their souls, prepared me for this day! I still remember what they said to me right as they were boarding that very old and also cursed ski-lift. They both clapped me on the shoulder and said, 'Cabela's employee, there is no reason for us to contemplate our mortality at this moment, but if we hypothetically die on this very old and also cursed ski-lift and our daughter Bear ever needs to go to a fancy party and doesn't know what to wear, use this key. When the time comes, you'll know what to do,' the Cabela's employee finished their story with a grave pause, but then they smiled. "They were always saying stuff like that," they said with a laugh. "Of course they didn't die on that very old and also cursed ski-lift, but I still have this," and the Cabela's employee produced a key from their pocket.

The key was in the shape of the Gyrlls family crest: a chipmunk beating a gryphon to death with a metal water bottle. It shone in the light like a brilliant gem. Wordlessly, Bear took it and placed it in her key item slot.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For maximum immersion, please cue up the song "Little Lion Man" by Mumford and Sons.

"I think I know just the door that key belongs to," said the Cabela's employee, "but it won't be an easy journey. It's buried deep in the depths of Cabela's Closet, where darkness has swallowed the land and a demon elk stalks the aisles in search of human souls to consume." They knew it was pointless to try and stop her, but they had to try. "It would be a fools errand to even attempt it," they exclaimed in desperation.

Bear Gyrlls adjusted her bathrobe with resolve.

What followed was an adventure that could only be properly told in a serialized drama on the FX Network **[Authors Note: Now is the appropriate time to play the Mumford and Sons song "Little Lion Man" if you have cued it up as per my instruction]**. Along the way, Bear was forced to fight off vicious sea bass, embittered by their long years of captivity, and taxidermy animals haunted by ancestors of the Gyrlls family. In the valley of snacks, the Cabela's employee betrayed Bear for a chance to snatch an emerald the size and shape of a can of NOS energy drink and was abandoned by Gyrlls. Later, the Cabela's employee returned to save Bear from a falling kayak trap and all was forgiven.

Finally, they arrived at a massive stone door covered in vines and bearing the Gyrlls family crest: a cool snake wearing sunglasses. Bear's grip on the key tightened with resolve as she began to clear the vines with a machete she had fashioned from a sharpened canoe paddle. Her journey was over, but the adventure was just beginning.


	5. Chapter 5

As Bear neared the door, the key in her hand began to glow. Standing in front of the door, she held the key aloft and it floated out of her hand. It hovered for a moment, then began to pulse with energy as the large stone door slowly opened in front of it. When the door had opened just enough for a person to step inside, it stopped and the key disintegrated. There was nowhere to go but inside. 

The Cabela's employee followed Bear in. They had no illusions about their fate: they knew they were not likely to survive this journey, but it had brought them closer to Bear than ever before. They had raised Bear as their own child ever since her parents died tragically in a way that will be revealed eventually for dramatic effect, but now they definitely wanted to sleep with her. This sort of thing frequently happened to Bear Gyrlls: the girl version of Bear Grylls.

The door closed behind them and a set of torches lit the corridor a few feet ahead of them. Past that sanctuary of light, a darkness yawned a menacing yawn. Bear and the Cabela's employee exchanged a glance then headed into the unkown.


	6. Chapter 6

As they walked down the corridor, a new set of torches would spark to life and illuminate a few more feet ahead. After walking for twenty minutes or so with no end of the corridor in sight, they stopped to rest.

The Cabela's employee produced a snack they had foraged from the wilderness of Cabela's Closet: a Monster energy drink and nacho cheese flavored stick of dried meat. Bear had long since shunned the foodstuffs of man and began licking the walls of the corridor for the residual nourishment left behind by the dust and insect leavings.

"I can't believe a tunnel this long has been connected to Cabela's Closet, my lifelong home, all this time," remarked the Cabela's employee.

"It hasn't," replied Gyrlls gruffly.

"It hasn't been here?"

"It's not here now. This is a temporal loop." Bear shook her head and looked at the ceiling of the corridor. "They got me again..."

The Cabela's employee was shocked and confused by Bear's revelation, but then remembered that Mr. and Mrs. Gyrlls were prolific warlocks. 

Now Bear and her faithful companion, the Cabela's employee, would have to survive in the harshest of environments... The Time Vortex!


End file.
